The other day, whilst we were meant to be working and welcoming customers into a building we don’t care too much about, my friend and I were nattering away about the most “embarrassing” vagina tales we have in our teenage fanny files. She said I should write a blog post about some of them.
So here we are! Prepare yourselves/please still be my friend after you’ve read this.
The Embarrassing Tales of My Vagina
Imagine this. I’m 15 and about to attend my first concert without any adult supervision. I’m seeing Lady Gaga so I’ve gone for backcombed hair (obviously), a band t-shirt (I don’t even listen to their music), a body-con skirt and 6 inch heels I can’t walk in and they make my legs look like cocktail sticks. Sexy. There is a lot of dark eye make up going on as well as an unwelcome, funny smell coming from down below. Great!
I put on some thick black tights hoping that would do the trick. Nope. It was actually getting progressively worse. Mortified, I took about 5 trips to the toilet in secrecy and tried everything to get rid of this particular vagina aroma. Toilet paper. Change of pants. Change of tights. Face wipes. Showering from the waist down with my skirt rolled up around my boobs. Perfume. Deodorant (I know, my poor vagina). In the end, the smell was muted only a teeny bit and I didn’t have time to faff about any longer, Gaga waits for no woman. I just had to get on with it.
I spent the concert dancing with my legs closed tightly shut and couldn’t wait to get home and soak myself in a bath filled with rose petals and lemon peel.
Of course I had to throw a couple of embarrassing period stories into the mix.
My first “Oh sh*t, I’ve leaked” moment happened in the second month of my first ever period. I was a heavy flow-er and not wearing tampons at this point. The incident happened during drama class. I was sat on a linoleum dance floor and as I got up my friend whispered in my ear “Is that you?” I looked down to see a perfectly round splodge of dark, red blood glistening on the floor.
I tried desperately to wipe it away with the sole of my trainer before anyone noticed. Big mistake. This just helped the blood spread further, making it look like a feminist art piece using only natural paints! My male teacher noticed and set everyone else a task so that they quickly dispersed off into groups… Here comes the worst bit.
He then mounted a small vehicle, like the ones you see cleaning the roads and pavements, started it up and proceeded to move slowly over my period blood. I emphasise the word slowly. It seemed like forever as he smoothly ran over my womanhood. I don’t think we ever looked at each other the same way after that.
But nether the less, bang and the dirt was gone.
The following year I leaked through a pair of light blue jeggings whilst on a 3 hour coach trip to a botanical garden. The patch of red on my bottom was getting bigger, there wasn’t a service station for another 30 minutes and no toilet on board, so mission: ‘Take a tampon out and put a new one in on a moving coach surrounded by 25 of your class mates’ took place. A kind teacher supported me through this difficult time by holding up her jumper around me… you know, for some privacy.
The only time I have ever ‘squirted’ was walking to an A-Level English lesson when A* level discharge came out of me at a rate of knots, so quickly that I thought I had wet myself. Ah, what lovely memories.
I once thought I had lost a tampon in there. I was terrified that it had some how shot up into my lungs (I know now that this is humanly impossible) so I pleaded my friend to help me look for it.
I got down into my birthday suit, squatted over a bathroom mirror and we both had a good inspection of my vaginal canal.
She was a very good friend. We don’t speak much anymore though…
Anyway, it turned out that I had in fact taken said tampon out earlier on in the day and just forgotten about it. Drama over.
So, why put all of these intimate details out there for the world to see you ask? It’s simple, to make you all feel normal. To let you know that no story is too embarrassing and if it feels embarrassing, it’s probably just because it is extremely normal!
The point is, we’ve all been there. These stories have probably happened to hundreds of women before me. It feels really freeing to be able to admit to these moments and say yeah they happened. Some of them still happen! But I’m no longer cringing or shying away from them. They make me human. A human with a working vagina who knows what is normal for her.
To end this post, here are some vag facts that you might already know. But if you don’t, it might help you and your fanny to feel like what you’re experiencing is completely ordinary.
- Your vagina will have a natural smell and no two vaginas smell the same.
- Your vagina is set at a 130 degree angle, so if you’re struggling to put a tampon in that’s probably why! The vaginal canal is on this angle so you’re literally hitting a wall. Rather than thinking about inserting it upwards, try inserting it towards your back.
- Your clitoris gets bigger and harder during arousal. Yes, like a boner.
- Using ‘feminine cleaning products’ is probably doing more harm than good to your bits. You all probably already know that your vagina is a self cleaning wonder organ so you don’t want to be interfering with it’s natural PH balance.
- The normal PH of the vagina is 4.5, which is similar to the PH of WINE!
- When aroused, vaginas can expand to twice their size and then bounce right back.
- Not all women are born with hymens.
- Roughly 16% of women have never had an orgasm during penetrative sex.
- People do get stuff stuck in their vaginas quite often, but don’t worry because you cannot actually lose anything up there!
Vaginas don’t have to be serious all the time, sometimes they are pure comedy geniuses. We can laugh about them and that’s what I hope to achieve on here. Join me and love your vagina even through the sticky, messy, weird, smelly times. Ha!